Belvedere Jehosophat - Thursday, October 24, 2002 - Print Version
I spent a good hour and a half of my day today watching Jurassic Park III. I had been warned that it wasn’t that great a movie, but I don’t think anything could have prepared me for the horror that this movie represented. In fact, I am fairly certain that the movie, when imbibed undiluted, can make geese in neighbouring farms retch.
The computer animatronic graphic effects were fairly well done but, as has been pointed out many times prior, good special effects don’t necessarily make for a good movie. This is especially true if some of the plot devices used are cliched and if the plot holes can house a good proportion of the dinosaurs and the trailers they lived in during the filming of the film.
Now I realise that this is a fantasy type movie and normally I would accept any inconsistencies with fairly good grace and an above average suspension of disbelief but now, apparently, raptors can talk. What the hell? Did I miss a meeting? The raptors are communicating, calling for help, setting traps, having bakesales and spending their Saturdays at suburban garage sales. What the fuck? These fucking things are smarter than I am.
And evidently, while the raptors are the smartest thing since sliced bread, they don’t compare to the 12 year old kid who managed to survive on a dinosaur infested island for eight weeks.
Listen: Back a few years ago, my mother went to Argentina to take care of some family matters. Dad stayed home. Even with my father at home, I managed to lose 13 kilos due to malnourishment. I was 20 at the time. How does a 12 year old kid survive for that long by hisself?
On the plus side the United States may very well have the most resilient telephones ever. That poor canary yellow telephone manage to survive the initial plane crash, it was subsequently swallowed by a dinosaur (during which time it could still be heard ringing), shat out and finally submerged in water. Despite all of this the telephone was working well enough to place a phone call to America.
Jurassic Park III may also have cornered the market in lame movie endings. Grant is able to call up his former partner with a now sodden telephone. He yells out what sounds like ‘the river, Site B’. With this clue she is able to piece together both the longitude and the latitude of his exact whereabouts and using this information she calls up the marines and the navy (who, I hear, are waiting by the phones in case a hysterical woman with a degree in palaeontology phones up with obscure directions to obscure waterways in obscure sites on obscure islands).
There is a good side to this movie however. For example, the people are pretty much stranded on the island about twenty minutes into the movie. I hate it when movies take forever to get going. One of the most disappointing things about Spider Man was that it took about 40 minutes for Spider Man to become Spider Man. This only left another 40 minutes or so of Spider Sense tingling action. Not for Jurassic Park 3 though. No Sir, twenty minutes and we’re in.
Of course, if you sacrifice plot and script for action then you are getting off to a bad start. Apparently filming for the movie started before the script had been completed. It seems that the movie makers were frothing at the mouth to get this monstrous beast out there. To their credit the movie didn’t try to lie to anyone. It didn’t pass itself off as a classy thriller or a thesis into the human condition. It was exactly what it said it would be, an over the top action loaded with dinosaurs.
Oh and after going back and watching the beginning again, I discovered that the boyfriend of the hysterical palaeontologist (upon further review, the palaeontologist was never shown to be hysterical (I guess I’m wrong (and lame))) was in fact working for the state department. This means that it is plausible that she managed to round up both the marines and the navy.
It is also more than possible all the stuff about the raptors communicating was true (except that bit about the bakesale). Having said that, I’m starting to believe that the movie was better thought out than this review.
In fact, I take it all back Jurassic Park III was the most amazing movie ever. Ever.
On a slightly related note, the new Jurassic 5 album sounds absolutely fantastic. I suggest you give it a listen. Ever.
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