"I love the smell of napalm in the morning" - Apocalypse Now
"What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?" - Full Metal Jacket
"I was planning to hit the Pentagon next week" - TRON
"As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll." - Spinal Tap
"What kind of man are you? I bring up comics and you're talking chicks and romance?" - Mallrats
"You know... the Nazis had pieces of flair. They made the Jews wear them" - Office Space
"Know your dope fiend! Your life may depend on it! You will not be able to see his eyes because of Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner-tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command - including yours. BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time (on him) will usually save nine on you." - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Ethan Switch - Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Lone Cub and Wolf and about a couple of other forgotten films are all the samurai fare I've had to date and if pumping jets of blood covering the walls and ceilings were anything to go by, Kill Bill wouldn't disappoint in that respect. There was also talk of spaghetti western influence thrown in for good measure. Not sure what exactly constitutes a spaghetti western although the use of extreme close ups featuring nothing more than the expressions of the eyes seems to be key.
Julie Dreyfus, who plays a wonderful Sophie Fatale, starts looking a lot like Monica Bellucci half way through the film. Probably because she doesn't appear until half the film is already done with. But then all these comparisons aren't fore thoughts, just a mad mind driving blindly through the sand looking for the bottled ship when actually it should be paying attention to the nightmares of waking up on the fender of a truck going down the highway with a driver who's forgotten to take their no-doze pills.
Read the rest of Kill Bill: Volume 1 review
Ethan Switch - Friday, September 12, 2003
Wednesday, befuddlement on the premise of a preview the night before national release and a mysterious no show started the ripple in the sea. With five minutes before the card screamed late entry, the walk was set and the pass lost into the hand of a capped man. A man from Buena Vista who would later appear with a single syllable for a name at the front of the cinema asking for ten people. Not a single volunteer stepped up until the rush shortly after the utterance of words kind to a lot of freeloaders, "prize pack." A quick culling and distribution following effete renditions of pirate imitations, aaaargghs and mateys were thrown impotently into the crowd. P2P was never mentioned.
Following the moose from Disney's Brother Bear a snide remark from a man behind was heard. Sarcasm was dripping in his humourless and corporated veins. Too out of it to fit into it and the agony could be heard in the woman who was glad it was dark. Armrests were low slung and cupholders knocked with the knees in cinema 10, an unexplained late change from 7. Two seats on either side, enough for the unexpected flailing of arms looking for relief on what was expected to be a long film. Fun, but long.
Read the rest of Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl review
Jimmy Weasel - Saturday, September 6, 2003
Right. For anyone tired of the much hackneyed "Hooray for America saving the day!" genre disaster/zombie film, this is your answer. An English bicycle courier is your new hero.
Essentially, it's a story of survival, a little like Charlton 'Guns is neat' Heston in The Omega Man, but with a different angle. The audience is a little more knowledgeable than the hero; we know about the virus breaking out and conquering the general publics bad side, but we don't know what happened beyond that. We see the beginning of the struggle against a raging tide of humanity gone nasty.
Read the rest of 28 Days Later review
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, September 3, 2003
Managing to both offload an extra double pass that came into my possession and wolf down a foot long meatball sub in thirteen minutes there was an anxious wait. Suddenly, as if someone had decided to take a line, a queue formed and filing was under way. A short usher named Vincent was adamant on taking the passes and as I tried to reason with him I knocked the still closed door of cinema 8 to which a guy thought would be a good time to utter, "watch yer step mate." An extremely limited comical situation to him and his partner.
Still largely unoccupied, the seats were slowly filling up with people. Wanting a buffer of at least a seat I drifted between faked sleepiness and saving them for those who would not come as eyes and eyes climbed the steps and darted back and forth looking for an empty seat in the mid section. For those who came in after the initial flood, they were coming in holding a card of UNDEAD. "Two for one offer" one of them said to another, fanning the card. No idea on what they meant. Screening crept as slow as a man whose legs had been blown off.
Read the rest of In A Heartbeat; 28 Days Later review
Ethan Switch - Monday, August 18, 2003
Time was kind and the decision to see a movie ended up at the cinema looking at the options. There was the thought of Bad Eggs but that felt like a comedy too serious to enjoy past the hard and earnest voice overs of comedian Tony Martin in the trailers. The Castle was in form but disguised in an oily packet from Take Away. The box office had signs up all over the place about the R+ rating of Narc. A ploy they use to look responsible while selling tickets to the school children. If anything, Down With Love was screaming out as the best option so a ticket was exchanged for a pass and I made my way toward one of the smaller theatres. This was despite the fact that it was only three days after the initial release.
The theatre had no more than ten people already in the dark watching the trailers. But on half a screen. The projection was knocked up and only the bottom half was visible. Yet no one in the crowd said a thing or even thought it askew. Seconds passed before I stormed out looking for one of the few ushers walking around. Thinking that it might have passed in the time I walked out, I stepped back in only to be confronted by a middle-aged man asking whether or not I'd seen someone about the screen. Despite telling him I was on my way and finding a guy with a vest and walkie talkie, he still walked behind me, albeit rather slow, just in case.
Read the rest of Here's To Love; Down With Love review
Belvedere Jehosophat - Wednesday, August 6, 2003
Of all the Nickelodeon cartoons—some of which were extremely lame—Craig Bartlett’s Hey Arnold! was my favourite.
There was just something nostalgic about his optimistic never-give-up attitude, and I guess the idea of a kid who because he is a cartoon character will always remain a kid—a Peter Pan of sorts—is somewhat comforting.
Read the rest of Hey Arnold! The Movie review
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Walking up to the cinema complex on George Street, the line I was expecting for the preview screening of Identity was not to be found. There wasn't even much of a crowd to speak of, but then it was Monday and damn cold. While a small group of couples were fanning their faces readying themselves for View From The Top, Belvedere and I were pointed toward an intricate trail of carpet and metal. Down and down. Over my shoulder I noticed a vested man who looked like he was trailing us. But then we happened upon the open doors of theatre 5 and he just as soon disappeared. A dejected girl was also waiting outside the doors and commented on the lack of a line. Small was the gathering, a set up for the mood and tone of the movie awaiting to be eaten in lieu of the free flowing popcorn and soda that was not forthcoming.
I sensed hunger, and with it a sense of burning, like a piece of the stomach cannibalising itself.
Read the rest of Bloody Hands and a Shivering Spine; Identity review
Belvedere Jehosophat - Monday, July 21, 2003
I originally bought this DVD as a going away gift for Jimmy when he was making his way to Africa.
I presented it to him at a friend’s New Year’s Party and I think he could automatically tell how crappy the movie was and how little I paid for it. Both of these factors caused Jimmy to ‘forget’ it at the party, where I was forced to rescue it.
Read the rest of Horror Express review
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, July 16, 2003
Freezing was the temperature on the journey toward the preview screening of T3. The line was milling and the people outside the cinemas were floating a full hour prior to the screen time of 19:00. With time in sweaty hand there was a need to find some way to lose the next thirty minutes before Jimmy was expected to show. Walking around the city blocks twice over and crawled to a slow did the trick. Spotting the other half of the "ADMIT TWO" I walked alongside and startled a steaming cup of caffeine. Joining the line the crowd of bodies moved quite smoothly into the carpeted carpets of the cinemas. A lot of people were ahead of us and they were lined up against the wall. We tried to make the break over but an usher named Lindsay held us up and siphoned us into the flank on the other side of the stairs. Dangerous was a case of beer and a beer they did not serve. What was served were a lot of fat blokes and hot chicks. They rivalled each other and easily overtook the many banners of a commercial radio station priding itself on the amount of commercials they run.
Nothing on the preview cards mentioned anything about kicking the air from the floor in an epileptic fit. But there we were, shuffling our shadowed feet past a line of flickering blue and violet lights toward a door guarded by more women. A valid question was raised, "can't I keep the damned pass?" and shot down with "you can pick them up afterwards from the box office." A rather flat answer, no more of a reason and yet a stinking smell of fear from the mooching patrons behind suggested we press on and into the seats without stalling any more than we need to.
Read the rest of Overflowing Popcorn and Crazy Women; Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines review
Jimmy Weasel - Tuesday, July 15, 2003
It's 10 years since the sequel to the first. 20 years from the original itself. Arnold is now old enough to be going grey and lightening in the hair department. This is no problem. Arnold was born to play robotic roles.
Upon entering the theatre, after standing in a queue for 23 minutes, we had found that two thirds of the seats to be filled. All of the seats had been laced with complimentary drinks and popcorn; the kind people will drug to make a film seem more appealing than it is. Ethan didn’t seem concerned with this, and began to indulge his palette.
Read the rest of T3: Ripening Machines review
Jimmy Weasel - Saturday, June 28, 2003
Jim Carrey has never been my favourite. His goofy face, overused in The Mask and Ace Ventura and wotnot just got on my nerves too much. However, the "serious" performances in The Truman Show and Man on the Moon impressed me, and as these films were the most recent films of his, I figured he'd be a similar character. But from the get-go, his face was contorting unnecessarily into a few hundred exaggerated expressions. To me, it was just not needed and really turned me off the film.
After the initial 30 minutes of "worst day" shenanigans, Carrey's Bruce puts the jive on God Above so much so that God (Morgan Freeman(Alanis must have been busy)) bestows all his power unto him.
Read the rest of Bruce Almighty review
Ethan Switch - Friday, June 27, 2003
Free from the restrains of bondage related to employment whipping my balls like the dominatrix filling out a Business Activity Statement, watching the latest comicbook movie, The Hulk, seemed like the best thing to do on a morning of release. Having never managed to catch a film at the cinema before noon I found myself walking into the theatre just as the start of the Universal Films logo was about to illuminate the screen. This despite the fact that the girl at the counter told me that I had at least five minutes before the film actually started.
With only the ambient light coming from the flicking of comicbook pages under the Marvel logo I found a seat pretty close to the centre of the theatre's audience. Of about only twenty up at such a time and without a job to tend to.
Read the rest of The Incredible Rampage; The Hulk review
Jimmy Weasel - Monday, June 2, 2003
This movie is short. There's no other way to describe it. But this works in the film's favour, as were it to go much longer, it'd turn stale. That's not to say the film is a bad one. Yet neither is it the greatest cinematic work. It's roughly around the middle; and a better offering than most films out at this particular point in time.
The Beverly Hills Twin Cinema complex is widely known for its cheap price and dank smells. Both the size and shape of the cinema allow for a close encounter with the film, and had the complex been more popular, a close encounter with my fellow man.
Read the rest of Confined spaces & bad sweats. Phone Booth review
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