Cult Of The Kebab

Belvedere Jehosophat - Saturday, April 20, 2002 - Print The Wax

Star Rating

Long ago, a star rating system was created for kebabs. The higher the rating, the faster it makes you want to defecate after the consumption of the kebab, conversely, the lower the kebab rating, the lower the potency of that particular kebab. A 1-star kebab has little or no effect on the average kebab eater, whereas a 5-star kebab could cause discomfort even to one as experienced as a 'Master of the Kebab' (see ranking table below).

There are rumours of a 6-star kebab, a kebab so potent that the need to go to the toilet appears just by sniffing it. However, there have not been any official sightings and I myself, a 'Lord of Kebabs,' have never experienced one.

'Cult of the Kebab'

At first the kebab was revered in society. A religion was slowly created to worship and heap praise on this culinary delight. A secret organisation formed to deal with the religious duties involved. They were, in effect, the high priests of the kebab. Even a governing body was created to deal with any dilemmas. It still exists to this day. The 'Council of the Kebab' is the governing element of the 'Cult of the Kebab.' The 'Council of the Kebab' consists of 'Master's of the Kebab' and 'Lord of the Kebabs'. These people are elected into office, and choose the laws and regulations that maintain the peace and whatnot. Once a law or idea has been formulated it is put for before all members (except 'Kebab Supplicants') to decide.
However, over the years, the people forgot about their duties to the kebab and soon only the secret organisation carried on the memory of the kebab.
For years they tried to spread the kebab religion around yet to no avail.
As it was a secret organisation, so secret, the common folk did not know that they existed and subsequently refused to listen.

Time passed.

Soon the kebab religion changed. The remaining members of the 'Cult Of The Kebab' no longer simply worshipped the kebab, they now sought to become one with the kebab and eventually be its master.

In order to become a 'Kebab Supplicant,' one has to supplicate a cult member with a ranking of 'Master Of the Kebab' or higher. If deemed to be a possible candidate, they will be transported to the 'Temple of Kebab' in Mexico City where they will be isolated and given time to acquaint themselves with the theory and traditions involved with becoming a 'Kebab Novice'.

To advance in rank to a 'Kebab Novice,' one has to show a satisfactory knowledge of the kebab theory that they were exposed to in 'Temple Of Kebab.' They will be judged by a 'Master of the Kebab.' After this point, the supplicant will be exposed to a 1-star kebab. If they survive they will be allowed to continue in their training. They are now a fully-fledged 'Kebab Novice.'

Once one is able to satisfactorily show that they have sufficiently prepared their body for the rigours of the 2-star kebab that they then are advanced to the rank of 'Kebab Apprentice.' Again, this will be under the tutelage of a 'Master of the Kebab.' If they pass this they will now be a 'Kebab Apprentice.'

In order to advance in rank to a 'Kebab Warrior', the supplicant has to again show a satisfactory knowledge of the next level of kebab theory. They will be judged by a 'Master of the Kebab.' They must have also have experienced a 2-star kebab and survived.

After sufficiently preparing their body for the onslaught of a 3-star kebab one may advance in rank to 'Kebab Knight.' The subsequent survival of a 3-star kebab allows one to advance in ranking toward that of a 'Kebab Paladin.'

Advancement to the rank of a 'Kebab Champion' requires the supplicant to deal with a more difficult set of tests. First of all, all supplicants aiming for the position of 'Kebab Champion' have to be overseen by a panel of three 'Master's of Kebabs.' Here, we find a reduction of the theory to be and the introduction of the supplicant to the spiritual contact with the kebab. If the panel is satisfied with the ability thus far, they will be awarded the rank of 'Kebab Champion.' Furthermore, their subsequent education will be passed to a 'Lord of the Kebab.'

Protector of the Kebab

The supplicant must be able to deal with a 4-star kebab and the student MUST be able to make spiritual contact with the kebab.

Note: NO supplicants, whatsoever, will be admitted to the position of 'Protector Of The Kebab' unless they show that they have fully contacted spiritually with the kebab.

Master of the Kebab

The student must NOT ONLY make spiritual contact with the kebab, they must also be able to dance and weave with it within the cosmos. It is in training for 'Master of the Kebab,' that the supplicant becomes equal to the kebab.

Note: NO supplicants, whatsoever, will be admitted to the position of 'Master Of The Kebab' unless they show that they have fully contacted spiritually with the kebab and convincingly become its equal.

Lord of the Kebab

One has to dance with the kebab in the cosmos and become its master. Only once superiority to the kebab is convincingly shown will the supplicant earn the rank of 'Lord of the Kebab' and all rights and privileges accorded to this position.

Warning:
This should not be attempted unless the 'Council of the Kebab' has been notified. There MUST also be 5 'Lord of the Kebab's' present to oversee this venture.

Note: Since 'Lord of the Kebab' is the highest rank possible for any member in the cult, those who have achieved this rank are now given the duty of overseeing the studies of those who have reached the rank of 'Kebab Champion.' They are, of course, quite welcome to remain in the council.
(Most remain, so that they can sit around bragging about the '6-star that got away'.)

Rogue Kebab Eaters

These despicable people, with no regard for the consequences of their actions, eat kebabs that have a rating that they cannot handle. They do this for the unnatural and euphoric high that this produces. Fortunately the incidence of Rogues is decreasing, but it reached a high in the summer of '91. It is believed that is upsurgeance of Rogue Kebabism was a result of the '87 crash. Disillusioned people sought refuge in overeating kebabs.

Cult of the Kebab' Ranking

The following table depicts the ranking system for those involved in the cult and the star-kebab that they have to be able to consume to proceed in rank.

Kebab Supplicant [No kebabs]
Kebab Novice [1-star kebab]
Kebab Apprentice [1-star kebab]
Kebab Warrior [2-star kebab]
Kebab Knight [2-star kebab]
Kebab Paladin [3-star kebab]
Kebab Champion [3-star kebab]
Protector of the Kebab [4-star kebab]
Master of the Kebab [4-star kebab]
Lord of the Kebab [5-star kebab]

Note 1:
In the lower ranks 'kebab' is placed prefix to the position. After graduating to the rank of a 4-star and above, 'kebab' is suffix to the position. This was created to symbolically show a person's dominance over the kebab.

Note 2:
One should never ever exceed the kebab star rating that they are prepared for. The rigorous study and spiritual contact with the kebab are there to ensure that any supplicants are fully able to deal with the effects of the kebab on the human body. That is, a Kebab Knight, no matter how proficient they believe themselves to be, should NOT attempt to eat a kebab that has a higher than 2-star kebab rating. This is for the protection of all members of the 'Cult of the Kebab' and to ensure that the fragile equilibrium that the world exists in is not disrupted. A person exceeding their kebab star rating risks an upheaval of cataclysmic proportions.

Belvedere Jehosophat

I hope that what I have written will be of some assistance.

On the matter of the article...

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Finagle with our bagel and keep a fresh and up-to-date eyeball on our latest reviews, articles and filthy somesuch. Mmm doughy.

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