Aperçus of This Sporting Life

Speed of sound, strength of butter, smell of cerise

Ethan Switch - Thursday, 9 February, 2006 - 23:40:19 - print it raw

Turtle cracking champion, Poul March, struck down by a falling shell. Walking through the desert sands on his way to emcee a backyard wrestling match, March was hit on the skull as a crow overheard let loose its payload.

Unnaturally bald, and a man incapable of not sweating, March's head was of the perfect stone shine normally used in situations of birds cracking such animals as turtles, tortoises and terrapins.

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Climbing attendance record fuels amensia on on-ground sports match

Ethan Switch - Wednesday, 11 January, 2006 - 16:06:30 - print it raw

Confronted by the face of her long time rival, a competitor in a little known sport sparked an unheard controversy and wowed those in attendance. With a sheer audacity none have seen for far longer than the distance between two unknown points, Claretha Jameson and Jenna Somer produced a stunning display of championship mettle on their battle for glory.

Swimming through spectators along a field of crimson pink with a rod of immensurable strength. Jameson vaulted her efforts above that of her arch nemesis. Somer, coming to grips with the gravity of the situation, was initially caught off guard before establishing herself with grappling hooks hidden underneath her soles.

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Iceland takes over the World, joins with Earth and Universe

Ethan Switch - Sunday, 11 December, 2005 - 23:24:06 - print it raw

Miss Iceland, Unnur Birna Vilhjalmsdottir, has been destroyed all other contestants in the battle to claim the crown of Miss World. With proceedings and tests of dance mettle beamed from an arena in Sanya, People's Republic of China, the 1.73 metre beauty from Iceland becomes the 55th holder of the coveted title.

Miss Mexico, Dafne Molina Lona, was valiant in collecting the runner-up trophy while Miss Puerto Rico, Ingrid Marie Rivera Santos, came third into the final stages weilding the disembodied head of a ruthless voting member of the global audience.

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Bardflys collect collective crown for final Sydney poetry slam

Ethan Switch - Thursday, 8 December, 2005 - 23:43:29 - print it raw

With few suffering blindness from a constant high blow flash bulb, an audience close to one hundred, or less dependent upon accounting schema, were witness to the Sydney Poetry Slam finals of 2005.

Holding court in the Mitchell Wing of the State Library of NSW, rhyme and performance of a night's festivities. Service of Dr Pepper non-existent, the doling of free alcohol rode against limits of two blue bands.

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Word Wrestling Federation call for state slam poetry challengers

Ethan Switch - Thursday, 1 December, 2005 - 17:35:48 - print it raw

Purveyors, publicists and pushers of poetry and poets pocket pieces of popping rocks as the crowd and sundry heed the knocking off of their socks.

Beginning now, calls to every single state and territory outside New South Wales and Victoria.

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Australia through to World Cup; Uruguay free to go home and lick their wounds as ugly hounds

Jimmy Weasel - Wednesday, 16 November, 2005 - 19:56:08 - print it raw

Mark Schwarzer has emerged as a hero among men after a sterling effort in a nail biting penalty shootout. Viduka was the only Australian to fail from The Spot as all the others seemed to make the nut. With this, Uruguay can try again in 4 years time with their underhanded tactics and lame backplay, as it has exposed how weak their middle is in the flow of play.

Telstra Stadium damn near exploded with excitement 2/3 the way through the first half, as Australia finally put the ball into the back of the Uruguayan net. Occurring within 25 seconds of his start on the pitch, the goal is a result of with a really really bad strike, or a really brilliant pass to Bresciano, who latched onto it like a hungry bastard and put it screaming into the net. Uruguay seem to have no answer to Australia's unrelenting attack, no matter how accidental the damage.

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