Aperçus of Paranoid Times

Terror On The Rails

Ethan Switch - Friday, 1 November, 2002 - 05:46:06 - print it raw

With TERRORISM being the buzzword of the decade it would seem that the factional few who are out there to recruit new members are finding it harder than first thought. Case in point lies on the back of the hard plastic moulded seats in one of the many Cityrail carriages. An organisation known as 'Terrorism NSW' advertised their phone number - 041* 1** 9*0 - in faded marker green. As The Wax are in the hunt for truth and a good time it was investigated.

It is not a number for a terrorist recruitment cell operating out of the bowels of a seedy Sydney underground. It belongs to a man—accent of a foreign nature, as everything is foreign in these times of overt fear—who had been fielding such phone calls during the month. A variety of other such associations with the number include the upcoming Gay games, homosexual favours and acts of an illegal nature.

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Are you gassy? Is it gas?

Jimmy Weasel - Wednesday, 30 October, 2002 - 07:20:49 - print it raw

According to New Scientist, the mysterious gas allegedly used to put the smackdown on Chechens & theatre-goers alike is all part of some secret global "non-lethal" crowd control device. Unfortunately this gas can't distinguish between those who are armed, and those who are not.

But how else to control 50 crazed terrorists using plastic explosive as underwear? No other way I suppose.

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White Cream Supreme

Ethan Switch - Friday, 11 October, 2002 - 07:56:47 - print it raw

One of the most beloved confectionary items around the world would have to be the dulcet dark chocolate make up of the Tim Tam. A biscuit that is supposedly available only on the shores of Australia. The island continent is also known to have tried to implement a 'White Australia' policy.

There is now a White Tim Tam out on the shelves. The White Tim Tam is far inferior to its Dark sibling, it is creamier and sickly sweet, close to sacchrine—which just happens to be coal—and fails to justify being labelled as a Tim Tam. It is joined in the White over Dark ranks with such absurd retardations as the Big Kit Kat finger and the newly released White Wagon Wheel.

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Hoaxes, Headbangers & Absinthism

Jimmy Weasel - Tuesday, 24 September, 2002 - 06:28:02 - print it raw

There was a letter written to the editor of Sydney's least respected "newspaper" today pointing out the obvious lack of Millenium Trains. I found myself agreeing with the author to an extent; "where are they*" but pause to reflect and add "there were never millenium trains to begin with, you fool!" in a high pitched screech across a cafeteria. Unless stealth mode has been activated or invisibility cloaking has been invoked, I will venture both loudly and often that the trains are a hoax and a fraud.

Also, I'd like to draw attention to the Suns Owl & Devloved show @ Caringbah Bizzos this coming Wednesday night. Fearless Ren & Stimpy reporting should catch all the action.

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Grassed Trains

Ethan Switch - Friday, 20 September, 2002 - 00:00:52 - print it raw

Spotted at Campbelltown at 0922 on the foot of the sealed guard door of carriage T4065, a clump of grass. The huge wad of sod looked like it was either growing out from under the crack or it was evidence that the trains are living it harder as the days go by. Forced out of the rocky surrounds of the railyards it seems as though some have been driven to the edge and live night by night by the banks of a derailment many years ago.

Of course, it could also mean that with the stress generated by the public wanting to see more and more of the Millennium trains the old stalwarts, with vomit-stained walls of sawdust and sand have taken to smoking some weed to relieve the tension of being on the frontline of abuse.

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Campaign Lures Train

Ethan Switch - Saturday, 7 September, 2002 - 10:32:55 - print it raw

Be warned that the following is bad, real bad work.

Earlier in the week a Millennium train was spotted on the South line of the Cityrail network. This follows the increasing number of posters plastered on the station platforms enticing passengers to go on a "virtual tour" of the newly missing trains.

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