Apercu of Paranoid Times genus

Parasites of the Polling Sites

Jimmy Weasel - Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 00:36:09 - print it raw

Election Day, 2003. Political parties have been scraping together teams to distribute propaganda outside the Voting Shacks all over the state in an effort to destroy more trees than the next party. Compare the pain of a swarm to 7 telemarketers all calling the same number one after the other; each talking louder and faster than the previous.

Amidst all the chaos, political ballyhoo and fundraising barbeques arises one mystery: Who Is Party "L"?

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Still Waters Drown Sheep

Ethan Switch - Sunday, March 16, 2003 - 10:42:14 - print it raw

Lateral thinkers are being lured in the lead up to the NSW State Elections. In a broadcast advertisement, the Greens have all but eluded to the widely held belief that a vote for any other party than the two major stalwarts—Labor or Liberal—is a wasted vote. So it would seem as though they have taken this policy of theirs to the streets and campaigned in the style most befitting of those of a rampantly curious nature.

While other parties may line up in front of the human traffic of the masses moving about their day, they have chosen to employ a sidelining tactic. Instead of the usual blockage and "in your face" stance used by other parties, the Greens of Liverpool have set up a booth underneath shade and in a corner set deep within a building block. They seem to be content in the knowledge that confronting the electorate will do them no good. Reception would be most unkind.

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Pizza Boxes With Enough Cheese For Thee

Ethan Switch - Friday, March 14, 2003 - 10:22:55 - print it raw

The paradox and fluctuation of the entity known as time is a most confusing behemoth to comprehend and understand at the best of times. After seeing the lines taken in it becomes nigh impossible.

In the first, a train arriving late still had passengers attempt to wedge themselves in between the doors just as they closed. The guard commented as such: "This train is running five minutes late. Which means you would have had five extra minutes to work out whether or not this was your train." Which should make those watching the body lain on the tracks—sliced awkwardly in two—aware and appreciative of the fact that the new timetables still have not been printed, nor likely to.

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Attack at The Wax

Ethan Switch - Tuesday, March 11, 2003 - 07:04:01 - print it raw

Vigilantes have been alerted to be on the lookout for a beaten up light brown/tan car. Make and model, possibly that of a Toyota Corolla, bearing a license plate ending in ---723. The car is reported to be that of a shady nature with the occupant within even more so. The driver is considered armed and possibly legless. Caution is advised when taking a bat to the driver's head.

The vehicle was last seen on Saturday, March 8, 2003, speeding Westward, after ploughing the kerbside shrub outside the headquarters of The Wax Conspiracy. Workers in the office watched in stunned awe as the car rose up from the side of the gutter directly with the shrub in its path. The vehicle then stalled and was temporarily bogged in the dirt with the shrub uprooted and under the front bumper. The driver momentarily removed himself from the car only to inspect on his predicament. Seconds later the vehicle was free and burning rubber up the quiet street.

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Traffic: a nasty necessity

Jimmy Weasel - Friday, February 28, 2003 - 09:22:05 - print it raw

Saturday, February 22: An Australian traveller was slightly injured, moderately annoyed and excessively sweaty after a collision between a tro-tro and a four wheel drive on the outskirts of Accra, Ghana. "It was so stupid." he whined. "We all saw this guy just pull out without looking. It's too hot today to travel. I have sand in my pants."

A nearby German girl was heard to mutter "He complains too much. And he sure does smell bad" along with many obscenities in German. The accident resulted in a large traffic jam and a large amount of loud arguing and wild gesturing as the blame was shifted left and right.

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Please Form An Orderly Line, The Bodybags Are Plentiful Today

Ethan Switch - Wednesday, February 26, 2003 - 01:20:30 - print it raw

In the current climate—25°, cloudy and with a possibility of light showers—the need to reason a terrorism attack is of a bygone era. But there does still exist a hurdle for the potential of terrorist attacks. Namely the question of who to attack, when to attack and how to collect the compensatory hush money.

Knowing that an attack on a field of ducks would not have the same impact as that as a field of swans, there is a hint in the air of suspicion that the bombers amongst us all have recruited the efforts of one of the least vilified telemarketing professions of all. The surveyors.

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