Apercu of Paranoid Times genus

Service Reminder Begets Explosive Hissing

Ethan Switch - Wednesday, July 23, 2003 - 12:03:00 - print it raw

There are countries who lay down thousands of mines in foreign lands and the reasons stem into at least two streams of cunning. One has it that the obliteration of the unlucky inhabitants will reduce or even eliminate future competition on the world child labour market. The other perpetuates the perception of friendly aid for the hapless and limbless victims.

In taking this view of world politics, there are a few plumbers in the search of customers and treasure trips. Their beacon of freedumb is represented by the hot water systems in many homes and residences.

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Smell a rat? You're flying Qantas

Alex Yamakazi - Monday, July 14, 2003 - 15:43:59 - print it raw

A Sydney rat has recently proved that you can get to heaven in a Boeing 747. The enterprising rodent was first spotted aboard a Qantas flight around a month ago. The plane has subsequently been in and out of service amid safety fears caused by the possibility of the rat chewing into aircraft components. Despite conventional methods of pest control including poisoned baits, traps and sticky mats the flying rat continued to make appearances as the plane travelled around the country. Last Thursday Qantas called in the big guns to end the adventurous rat's airborne escapades. The 747 was filled with carbon dioxide, thus starving the rodent of oxygen. When the plane was unsealed the deceased drifter was removed. Vale a long tailed adventurer of the friendly skies.

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Residuum of a Maltese Terrier Cross

Ethan Switch - Friday, July 11, 2003 - 12:44:58 - print it raw

Slapped and stitched across numerous telegraph poles are pleas for the return of a family pet. In this case, a maltese fox terrier cross.

On certain flyers an image bearing canine resemblance is included and only a guess in the direction of East will yield the possibility that the photo is indeed of the dog in question. Details of the dog are also listed, but in a rather suspicious form. First, the printed age of 13 months is scrawled out and replaced with 13 weeks and the date of the last sighting has been changed from June 13 to July 3.

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Fear and the Joys of Flying

Jimmy Weasel - Wednesday, June 25, 2003 - 16:07:23 - print it raw

In what seems to be an excessively heightened security effort, a plane was emptied of its passengers and rescreened them for signs of terrorism after a metal boxcutter was found in a seat pocket. In an effort to pad out the story, the article on News.com.au twice mentions that the plane was delayed for 90 minutes, "We need more story" is what an editor would probably have said about it.

Despite all attempts at elongation, there was no sign of any terror, villains or even hostility as all 233 passengers were deemed fit to fly.

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Splicing Lines Underneath a Plaque of Saos

Ethan Switch - Friday, June 20, 2003 - 19:07:34 - print it raw

Observations of crowd dynamics spill over numerous valid questions and possible solutions to the planning of buildings, arenas and public spaces.

On the final whistle or clang of the bell the crowd might head all at once toward the exits or pushing back the naturally designated flow from the entrances like cramming a pen up the urethra. If this were during a high stress situation bodies would be jammed, slammed and crushed in the onslaught of the feebles fleeing the scene. A high patron flow technique involves the installation or placement of barriers. Not only do the people move out faster but safer as the people from the sides are not crushing or getting crushed from the packing of the back.

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What the World Thinks of America

Ethan Switch - Friday, June 20, 2003 - 16:21:32 - print it raw

Arrogant yet as a beacon for inspiration.

On Thursday, June 19, the BBC hooked up the satellite and jacked into ten other countries—Brazil, Indonesia, South Korea, Canada, Israel, France, Russia, Britain, Jordan and Australia—to make sense out of a few figures from the poll results of the respective nations which took part in the program. Not entirely a true representation of the world view as the technical aspects of broadcasting from Africa limited the scope. This was stated from the onset.

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