Aperçus of Death and Biscuits

War is Good for Offloading the Masses

Ethan Switch - Friday, 19 March, 2004 - 16:10:38 - print it raw

Recently released by the Department of Veteran Affairs, Mortality Study 2003: Australian Veterans of the Korean War.

As the veterans of the first two World Wars die from a pool too small to consider, the next generator has been shown to be the Korean War. "The mortality study has shown there is a significantly higher risk of early mortality in Korean War veterans despite access to comprehensive health care for any condition suffered as a result of their service," said Danna Vale, Minister for Veteran Affairs.

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Metric Martyr on the Move to Weighing Less

Ethan Switch - Monday, 15 March, 2004 - 19:41:57 - print it raw

Rumbled and disrupted by a few hundred train travellers dying across the capital, Spain's elections were thrown into turmoil as the accusations started flying on who exactly is responsible. Basque separatists? Anniversary challenged al-Qaeda? Car manufacturers?

Picked through like a fine tooth there have yet to report of martyrs for the bombings. On a quieter scale, celebrations of the British Weights and Measurements have started now that their newly inducted martyr, Steve Thoburn, finally died.

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Moo Moo Num Num Yum Yum

Ethan Switch - Wednesday, 3 March, 2004 - 20:14:19 - print it raw

Fearing that too many pansy and wasted youths have been tortured endlessly by the trend of vegan and vegetarianism, baby food maker, Hain Celestial have signed on an exclusive with bovine university graduate welcoming committee, Dakota Beef.

"This is the ultimate compliment for our organic beef," says Scott Lively, president and CEO of Dakota Beef. "We are excited in light of today's stringent climate that Hain Celestial, a major branded food company, trusts our beef so highly they are willing to use it to feed infants."

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Them Thar Smoking Ills

Ethan Switch - Tuesday, 24 February, 2004 - 19:48:38 - print it raw

Last Thursday brought impending doom for the tobacco companies with the NSW Labor government planning to ban all displays of cigarette and smoking products. "Point of sale advertising has been a glaring loophole in the laws for too long and one that tobacco companies have ruthlessly exploited," lipped Anita Tang, The Cancer Council's Director of Health Strategies.

Then it seemed like things were evening out for the week as they claimed the political scalp of Tasmania's Premier Jim Bacon through the old scatter school of lung cancer brought on from years of smoking.

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Holiday Road Fatalities Clean Up Numbers

Ethan Switch - Monday, 5 January, 2004 - 19:57:16 - print it raw

Operation: Safe Arrival ended not too many days ago and the results clearly show an improvement in the numbers to the year previous. 75 deaths in the 2003 Christmas period compared to the 67 knocked off in the 2002 season. Piling up on top, New South Wales with 22 bodies and wallowing with zero, the ACT.

Things weren't looking all too good starting out for the premiere state. Queensland claimed their first casualty with a 50-year-old man who attempted to start off the tolls with a deuce by 4WD. By day two NSW and QLD were deadlocked at one a piece only to see Victoria run off with 5 bodies. As the days melted on and the bodies were counted, Victoria were still just ahead of both Queensland and NSW.

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Queen's Corgi Taken by a Fatal Hit

Ethan Switch - Thursday, 25 December, 2003 - 22:42:50 - print it raw

Dripping flesh of one dog in the mouth of another, Princess Anne of England made her way across the globe on news services as one still likely to favour ongoing carnage over a swift downing of a canine. The death of the Queen's corgi, Pharos at the bull terrier, Dottie, shows that anything can be tenuous. Or tendons tender.

Written up as the cap to another annus horribilis, the arse end of a year for the Queen. All that has been going on in the royal family and she still doesn't give in. Wise in the face of conspiracy theories to take her out by the most cleanest method possible. It's been said of the perfect crime, "if no one suspects that it is anything more than an accident, genius."

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