Ancient apercus from April 2004

Coursing Comicbooks for the Illuminati

Ethan Switch - Friday, April 30, 2004 - 18:55:45

Wallowing in self-worth for years riding the backs of the one dollar notes in the United States of America, the Illuminati are looking outside the real mainstream for even more exposure.

Questionably an unknowing party to their scheme, comicbook rumour columnist Rich Johnston has been reminding the faithful readers of Lying in the Gutters to the symbol of the eye set in a pyramid. A symbol synonymous with the order of the Illuminati.

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Moving Mounds of Dirt Made Hungry for the Juice

Ethan Switch - Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 20:46:32

Murmurs surfaced in the previous week when speculation of the prime rib status of an attack on Sydney's electrifying juice. Allegations Faheem Khalid Lhodi was plotting to bomb the national power grid certainly weren't helpful in the view of keeping the terrorists at bay. First in The Australian and confirmed by Federal Attorny-General Phillip Ruddock, Lodhi was being monitored by ASIO as the alleged terrorist, through the use of the pseudonym, M. Ralus, procured maps of the Sydney electricity grid, paying fond attention to the western district in particular.

Lodhi certainly did not share his information as in the mid-morning of today, parts of the south west of Sydney darkened. Powerless from a blackout resulting from a careless excavator on a work-site who cut a major line underground. Spreading far, retailers were forced to stand agape and ignorant outside their entrances like bouncers and security guards. One sleeveless hap remarked on the television crews scrambling their way down to the Westfields of Liverpool "trying to catch some of the chaos." Of which, there was none as looters were mentally locked out and ruing the fall of the event on a Wednesday morning.

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The Hot House Finale Decree: Nobody Likes a Bogan

Ethan Switch - Monday, April 26, 2004 - 21:22:57

Finally putting to rest a torturous thirteen weeks of unskilled labour, lukewarm ratings and an at times overbearing Erika Heynatz, The Hot House ended with nice, underneath-the-radar couple Simon and Jules coming out on top as winners. Topping off the win of the $2 million house was the fact that self-proclaimed and self-imposed underdogs Pete and Tina fell down losers collecting a KISS framed poster as their consolation prize.

The dream of the "Aussie battler" that contestant Pete so desperately tried to co-opt was not enough for the viewers who voted 61% against their claim of the prize. Had Pete won, viewers would have been vindicated in their similar lifestyle of watching other people do the work while claiming the kudos. There may no be real relief as only a week later, Channel Ten will unleash the fourth series of Big Brother.

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Of Ugly and Benediction; Ruination on Wax Streets

Belvedere Jehosophat - Monday, April 26, 2004 - 18:02:27

Peering through the cracks of exactly what, we can’t say, we find the life of R-, crazed with love:

Things came to a head over smoked buds and low-life literature – the slip from Post Office to Naked Lunch being, as is wont, subtle. Old habits were discarded in favor of new ones. Meanwhile, the addictions accumulated.

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Real People, Real Money, Genuine Woollen Knits

Ethan Switch - Wednesday, April 21, 2004 - 20:37:03

Reality television filling in the crevasses of the brain dead glut still manages to hook the hicks and inbred from their suburban coils. Faced with seemingly burgeoning opportunities to revel in their own filth, people sacrifice their children's sanity in the hopes of being the next has-beens-that-never-were. The scams are in the making and possibly one of the latest comes from an organisation based in the state of Queensland.

Random recipients are chosen from a fluctuating pool of 250 that runs into the thousands. Statistically following all the rules of fishing, an envelope is sent with details of being a "chosen one." The plate in this case being that they have made their way onto the second stage of a selection process. One for an "exciting new television show" being produced by the people of Starsearch Productions (formerly known as We Finance Anything). The "invitation" requests that the lucky Readers Digest primped contestants send in $125 to aid in the "processing fee."

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A Tale of Three Suburbs; Melancholy on Wax Streets

Belvedere Jehosophat - Monday, April 19, 2004 - 22:51:51

It has become readily apparent that the recent upgrade of a former Housing Commission apartment block in Campsie isn’t as benevolent or as innocent as first surmised.

The new coats of paint still drying on the garages, doors and railings are nothing more than a reality whitewash designed not to make the dwellings more comfortable for the current residents but to make them more appealing to future investors.

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Pop and the Methodic Madness of an Expected Bang

Ethan Switch - Monday, April 19, 2004 - 20:32:32

Following the dismal ratings and reception of the fourth series of Popstars, producers are still hitting the headlines for a desperate attempt at attention. First on the block was the lining up of mediocre talent. Unfazed, they then added saccharine judges hell bent on out-"nice"-ing each other. Seeing things take more of a downward run, they then dropped most of the judges while keeping everything else the same.

Now they've decided to take on a more subversive route.

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Kennedy Out from the Side

Ethan Switch - Monday, April 19, 2004 - 19:22:04

Considered an automatic for inclusion on the Australian side to face New Zealand on Friday's Rugby League Test Match, the weekend put an end to Ben Kennedy's default. The Newcastle player's recent outing against the Sydney Roosters put those hopes on a bender when Kennedy suffered a torn hamstring.

"I would like to have been given an opportunity," said Kennedy. An opportunity swiftly yanked from under his neckless feet as he had sought to find a day's rest would give him time to recuperate for the selectors' hoops. Initial head squeezing and unnamed voices from within the Newcastle camp pointed toward a conspiracy against Kennedy. Later it would be discovered that the kibosh came directly from Dr Peter McGeogh—team doctor no less—as he presented Kennedy's "unfit" shorts for the ARL doctor and doomed his chances to join the Kangaroos against the Kiwis.

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Editorial Casting Agencies Employing Viagra Models

Ethan Switch - Friday, April 16, 2004 - 18:26:22

Part-time and extremely casual editors are the new hopeful movie extras. Instant Editors recently put out a call for hungry and sleepy proofreaders and typographical hammerheads looking to supplement their income with editing projects on the side.

Their standards seem to be pretty skewed to a certain market of individual looking at their services as a means to serve others. Upon visiting the site, prospective editors are asked to fill in a registration form. One that doesn't exist in the usual guise of an actual on-site form. Instead, a method usually at the hands of plagiarists, copying and pasting lines from their site. Then, following the fill, and assuming the prospectives haven't read what they have been filling out, are asked again to flesh out the referees list.

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Tortoise Finishes Race, Death Not Forthcoming

Ethan Switch - Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 20:39:56

Following the inspirational double back win of their Sydney Kings, New South Wales have retained their road toll title sending six people to their graves.

For the five days of the Easter holiday, Operation Tortoise paid witness to the marvel of human condition and sheer determination of the NSW drivers in keeping their state number one.

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Fries Like a Duck, Tastes Like a Duck, Priced Like a Bald Eagle

Ethan Switch - Friday, April 9, 2004 - 20:48:18

Feeding the rise of the obese American is their lack of exercise and constant arm bending toward the open maw. Attempting to attack this scene toward benefiting the welfare of the meaty masses, the American Chiropractic Association.

Urging the curb of the oral splurge, the ACA want Americans everywhere to take 2000 more steps than usual and to inhale 100 fewer calories. "Adding a short walk to your lunchtime schedule, coupled with taking the stairs at work rather than the elevator, could add up to 2,000 additional steps for many of us. And cutting just one can of soda from your day and replacing it with water can eliminate more than 100 calories," said Dr. George McClelland, Chair of the ACA.

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Cash Strapped in Too Tight

Ethan Switch - Thursday, April 8, 2004 - 01:55:25

Filling in as the meat of the extra-marital scandal sandwich and starter for the renewed interest in the star couple, Rebecca Loos. Pat Cash, snorting at a band wagon, has chimed in on the whole media affair entangling Posh Spice and David Beckham without nary a thought about where it might be headed.

Not quite sure if he had had sex with Loos, Cash turned into the hesitant weather man citing a possibility of having it off with the former assistant, "I'm 50 per cent sure I did. I wish I could say it was me but I just can't remember."

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Kings and Razorbacks in Collective Gouge

Ethan Switch - Monday, April 5, 2004 - 20:49:17

The Sydney Kings saw salvation in a desperate game four of the ABC Learning Centres' NBL Championships played out at Sydney Olympic Parks' State Sport Centre Sunday night. Favourites West Sydney Razorbacks looked set to seal their claim of the 5 game series with a home game but failed to clinch the deal. Or so says the gloss of the basketball competition.

An alliance with Ticketmaster7 and the Entertainment Centre mention having "finalized plans to maximise ticket sales if Game 5 is required." Rambling on with "ifs" and words of varying possibility, the site moves a clear hope toward playing out the final game in the larger capacity venue.

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Education Minister Forces Fabricated Political Alliances

Ethan Switch - Friday, April 2, 2004 - 19:31:06

The recent National Day of Action orchestrated by the National Union of Students, in opposition to the escalating rise in HECS fees, presented a few student protestors with their first eyeball taste of pepper spray. Falling out of that is the Federal Education Minister's inability to comprehend non-exisitent political alliances of NUS.

Coupled with anxiety over the unexpectedly expected call date for the federal election of this year and figuring that any union is a union in support of the Labor Party, Brendon Nelson attempted to attack NUS and the ALP in one fell swoop.

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April Fooled into Coffin aided State

Ethan Switch - Thursday, April 1, 2004 - 20:27:11

Kathryn Rennon was caught in a cross-fire of miscommunication and light-humoured fun of an April Fool's Day joke. When her grandson, Nathan, decided to play a prank he thought he'd only involve her in a classic grab of column and even page space in local newsprint. Having failed to garner even that amount of attention he did succeed in putting his inheritance up a speed.

Starting out as simple prank, Nathan alerted the local brigade to a fire consuming his house with its smoke encroaching on his lungs. Wheezing as best he could, by the aid of going without his asthma medication, the firefighters rolled up warily to the house in question. Firing their sirens, Kathryn, the lone occupant within, was startled by the sirens and lights flashing outside her abode. Peering past the curtains, she was caught short by the sight of a police car accompanying the firetruck.

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