Ethan Switch - Friday, November 28, 2003 - 20:18:38
There was a chance that the biggest resignation of the week would have been Steve Waugh's decision to thrown it in as the captain and player of the Australian Cricket team in the upcoming Test Series against India in Sydney. With all the flurry of media and wondering whether or not Cricket Australia pushed him into the decision, along comes Simon Crean to put his own lights out as the Federal Leader of the Opposition.
Waugh seemed to have had the support of a lot of people from both sides yet it appears he just didn't want to spend any more time away from his family. Throwing up another tenuous link between sports and politics—as a model of sorts for the fighting spirit of a loser or gloating will of a champion—the diminishing returns of loyalty steadily disappeared the longer Crean was helming the rocky road of impotence that comes from the Shadows.
Read the rest of Not With My Goddamn Thunder
Ethan Switch - Friday, November 28, 2003 - 20:09:26
Given a new lease of power recenlty in a late night session passing some other kind of bill around, the Australian Protective Services and the Australian Federal Police. Officers are supposedly given more power to take care of Australia's airports and from acts of terrorism.
The Bill will give extra powers to APS and AFP officers:
Read the rest of Dolphins Slaughtered as Bait and Diversions
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 20:14:31
Things might look a little harder for mad scientists pumping out crank if reforms to the Model Criminal Code are pushed through. Especially if children are nearby and even if they aren't deliberately cranking up on Colorado Rockies.
"Those involved in the manufacture of illegal drugs must be sent a clear and unambiguous message that we will not tolerate any exposure of young children to the dangers of illicit drugs," Senator Ellison, Federal Minister for Justice and Customs, said in a release.
Read the rest of Nose Bleeds For Drug Lab Operators
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 19:49:55
Alluded to earlier in small screen grabs threatening/comforting viewers with its return, it now seems as though the voyeuristic animal showcase known as Big Brother will be back on Australian screens for 2004. There was speculation following the wrap that the third installment of the show would also be the last. Stephen Abbot, head producer and voice of Big Brother is said to have pulled out from the franchise along with the hopes of Channel Ten with Southern Star Endemol hesistant on another outing.
But if a job ad posted on Seek.com is of any concern or worry, Southern Star Endemol really want another go. Looking to mangle their way back onto the spectrum it might be a case of shivving with the posted to start from January 2004 possibly making for an early half appearance of the show.
Read the rest of Just Like a Five Dollar Whore
Ethan Switch - Friday, November 21, 2003 - 19:36:37
As a Frenchman climbing all over the Sydney Harbour Bridge playing indicator, the time is ripe for a massive sweep of home invasions during the Rugby World Cup between England and Australia on Saturday night. Alain Robert, also known as the hyphenetically absent Spiderman, said that the reasoning behind his scaling was that it was "once in time life," as captured before being shoved into the back of a police van waiting patiently at the bottom as he climbed down the bridge.
As the media spotlighted this poor excuse for security around one of Sydney's main landmark, the NSW Police instead chose to highlight their prescence in the World Cup finals, "Patrons can expect to see a noticeable police presence in and around the stadium," Assistant Commissioner Chris Evans said. "As part of our security plan we will be searching bags, and if you don’t want to miss any part of the final, get there early."
Read the rest of Smoke in the Eyes, Arses in the Air
Ethan Switch - Friday, November 21, 2003 - 18:59:10
Opening the doors of his illegally erected shed, Fenton Perry came upon a cat that had lost out the entirety of its nine lives. There, in a lump of unmoving feline mass was the carcass of the cause for many of his wondering thoughts. "Watching sheep eat pigs is fun." said Perry as he swung the cat around, shaking off the bugs and ants that had crawled their way into the orifices.
The find did not come as much of a surprise to Fenton who recalled having seen a furry tail wave about before disappearing under the tight eave of the northern end. "Funny was seeing a tail hanging out like a fat teenager wearing hipsters" remarked Fenton as flies started feasting on his arm
Read the rest of Cat Under a Hot Tinned Roof
Ethan Switch - Friday, November 21, 2003 - 16:58:45
When all hope had vanished a stash of old Simpsons Comics were uncovered as the media drive themselves into a frenzy looking for deaths to pre-empt their coverage of Michael Jackson's arrest on child molestation charges. As more and more people are uncovered for opinions on the matter so too were issues of the comics from an old warehouse out West.
The issue at hand, Simpsons Comics #31 printed in June 1997, features the appearance of mental patient Michael Jackson donning a Fallout Boy costume with Homer Simpson in Radioactive Man garb in a tale entitled, The Geek Shall Inherit the Earth. One customer was lessed than impressed at the find and the mind of the stockists, "The box full of fifty cent comics looked like it was going to get another title but then they started putting them on the shelves. It was horrendous." said Aran Lauchs. The customer later on starting handing out bottles of wine and sandwiches with crushed sleeping pills.
Read the rest of Michael Jackson Stash Uncovered
Ethan Switch - Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 19:24:38
Pennsylvania, March of Dimes volunteers are lobbying to raise the awareness of a growing problem in infant death. With 1 in 8 babies prematurely born in the states it's a concern for all affected.
"Prematurity is an issue that impacts everyone," says Dr. Jay Greenspan, Director, Division of Neonatology, Thomas Jefferson University Hospital and A.I. duPont Hospital for Children, Vice Chairman and Professor of Pediatrics Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia. "People don't realize how common prematurity is and how dangerous it can be. There is nothing harder than to see an infant be so sick and so innocent." Earlier this year, Dr. Greenspan signed on to chair statewide public awareness and professional education initiatives that are focused on preventing premature birth by increasing knowledge about the know risk factors and signs of preterm labour. An advocate for the March of Dimes, Dr. Greenspan also works to encourage additional support to fund research.
Read the rest of Prematurity Leading Cause of Newborn Sales Blip
Ethan Switch - Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 18:19:43
Two sets of the Australian viewing public will face a challenge to see who enjoys classification and representation in numbers the most. In one closet, the gays, queers, lesbians and generally fashion literate. In the other, those looking for a semblance of redemption following last year's outing on what could only be classed as a general intelligence test.
Taking the place of blood-flavoured rings are quizzes and questions run by the competing television stations, The Q Test: How Queer Are You? by Ten and Test Australia: The National IQ Test 2003 by Nine. Set to test the nation respectively it will no doubt ask the question, are you still using hair gel even though it is no longer 1984?
Read the rest of Queer Nation Faces Up The Cheese Geezers
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, November 5, 2003 - 19:15:01
Initial sparks and a flurry of lights can lead to free and inexpensive moth-meat with the oncoming bogongs across Sydney. "Every few years there are large, conspicuous migrations of moths over urban Australia which attract the attention of city dwellers," said Mr Britton, the Australian Museum’s Entomology Collections Manager. "Each spring moths are seen in Sydney as they migrate from their inland nurseries such as the western slopes and plains when these areas become too hot and dry. To survive, they migrate to cooler regions that have summer rainfall."
The flighted feast bits feature in the old diets of the Aborigines before they were largely massacred in the invading ships from the UK. Swarms of the moths were collected, roasted and mashed into what is known as "moth meat." For those slumming it on the streets this could prove to be a good source of free food in the upcoming warmer seasons.
Read the rest of Invading Moths Make for Inexpensive Meat
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, November 5, 2003 - 18:44:13
Prospective and intentional scribbles on the backs of cereal boxes have taken hit to the crumbled wit of franchisees looking for a venture. The Federal Court recently ordered the Will Writers Guild and the director, Sidney James Murray to compensate the fleeced of $137697. There was some serious concern brought to the ACCC's attention by way of frazzled and frothing mammals known as shocked people when they, as franchisees, were then told that their will-making services were considered illegal and in breach of the Trade Practices Act.
Eager new will writers bought into the franchise without being told about one major sticking point, "Will Writers Guild failed to inform its small business franchisees that operating the franchise would likely to be illegal in view of State and Territory legislation restricting will writing businesses to qualified lawyers", ACCC Chairman, Mr Graeme Samuel, said. "Further, Will Writers Guild failed to adhere to the rules of the Franchising Code of Conduct by failing to provide prospective franchisees with key information about the franchise.
Read the rest of Will Writers Guild Fork Over Cash to Blind-sided
Ethan Switch - Monday, November 3, 2003 - 18:01:31
Speculation and insane talk on message boards is heating up as the Australian Idol series comes ever closer to donning their choice. But unlike the forced patriotism in a KMart branded potato chip or odd tasting cola, the viewing — and more importantly voting mad — audience have spurred to bring forth a massive quiver of froth and sherbet flavoured cocaine for spoon feeding infants across the nation. The storm surrounds the supposed results of the phone/sms voting for tonight's show.
Down to the wire, Guy Sebastian, Shannon Noll and Cosima DeVito, and one must go. One monger claimed that they had a friend in the audience of the live show as the results were read and announced that Sebastian was the one eliminated. A claim posted a few hours before the supposed time slot for the live verdict show. Obviously unaware of the concept and construct of time and television cheese.
Read the rest of Pigs in the Eye for a Man Named Guy
Ethan Switch - Monday, November 3, 2003 - 17:10:08
With people dropping dead left, right and centre there was always the need for composure. The revving purr of burning tyres is smelt as they crank the speed and shoot the perp's vehicle off into the distance. Left on the ground are spent bullet shells and plugged up bodies. A common sight for those in the currently heat induced suburbs of the South West of Sydney. Drive-bys playing the sport in the feuding ethnic families brought the month of October to a close as the opening of the month announced the fixing of urban street speed limits to 50 km/h.
Weening of the driving masses has meant that the imposition of 50km limit hasn't been as abrupt as a shot in the stomach while filling up at a petrol station. The timing however, has meant that there would ultimately be less criminal crossover in the day. While they may have their hands full at the moment with the constant drivebys, they also key into the factor of speeding motorists.
Read the rest of Keep it in the Family, Keep it Under 50
Finagle with our bagel and keep a fresh and up-to-date eyeball on our latest reviews, articles and filthy somesuch. Mmm doughy.
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