Belvedere Jehosophat - Sunday, August 31, 2003 - 12:06:35
Spotted at a local Nissan dealership a few weeks ago was the remains of a recently deceased sparrow. Little notice was taken and the bird’s fate was dismissed as just another cruel joke perpetrated by the one true God, Entropy.
Subsequent journeys have revealed that no attempt to clear away the corpse have been made, and, as a result, the bird’s body has, for the past month, lingered, ravaged by nature and the disgusted glances of those passing by.
Read the rest of Cracked eggs, dead birds, scream as they fight for life. (He sang for spring and he sang for me.)
Ethan Switch - Friday, August 29, 2003 - 17:11:57
The ACCC have accepted a recall move from Bonnet Imports on frog ornaments containing candles with lead wicks. Champions of all things toward consumer satisfaction, the ACCC were not called to notice on the claim of the lead wicks, but that the wicks contained more than 0.06% of lead as part of their overall weight.
While a permanent ban on selling leaden wicks has been in effect since September 2002, the ACCC are stunned that they have been able to find retailers still selling the items. The wicks are easy enough to spot with the wick sporting a silvery or dark lead centre.
Read the rest of Frog Hugging Candle Wicks Get Licked
Ethan Switch - Friday, August 29, 2003 - 15:41:14
The corporate board of McDonalds have promoted a clown as their new Chief Happiness Officer. That clown is 40 year old Ronald McDonald.
First appearing way back in 1963, Ronald was a marketing gimmick created by Willard Scott in an effort to jack some magic into the new world of fast food restaurants. In his first ever starring role he was seen eating from a magic pile of never ending cheeseburgers. A sign of things that were to come.
Read the rest of Questionable McDonald's Board Promote Corporate Clown
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 16:25:13
One way to end a life is to place a gun in your mouth. But in doing so, are you committing a phallic symbol?
Think Timex and you might even think of watches. Gearing up to launch a new global campaign, Timex have started to look down on the down trodden in life and have declared "Life is Ticking" as their new tagline.
Read the rest of Watching Watchmakers Watch Life Tick By
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - 16:00:28
Heightened paranoia of worldly fears have done to airports what underfunded hospitals could not implement, numerous high intensity X-ray machines. Scanning passengers for signs of terrorist materials and such these systems have also done to holiday snapshots what the humble thumb has been doing for years, ruining photos. As passengers pass through the detectors and avail themselves to the new kind of probing, their luggage will be victim to the rays, in particular, the unprocessed film.
"A growing number of airports are installing high intensity X-ray scanners to inspect check-in luggage for security reasons" said Clare Rae, Kodak's marketing manager. "These newer systems will damage unprocessed film, which will not be seen until the pictures are developed. The same holds true for single use cameras."
Read the rest of Cherishing Those Probing Kodak Moments
Ethan Switch - Monday, August 25, 2003 - 19:45:31
Seeking to measure the male market of manly moisturisers and makeup, Vaseline Intensive Care have released figures on their studies on the British male.
Their findings have concluded that 92% still manage to consider the simple act of brushing teeth as part of the daily rituals.
Read the rest of Metrosexual Males Make up Minority
Ethan Switch - Monday, August 25, 2003 - 19:16:53
Universal's USA Network have enlisted choker Anna Kournikova as a roving reporter for the Network's live coverage of the 2003 US Open. Not really known for her prowess on the tennis court, Kournikova managed an injury to put her out of contention for the Open. The move is set to leech the male viewers who spike ratings whenever Kournikova steps foot on court.
"Anna joins USA to provide part of the fun and sizzle in our coverage and we think she will bring viewers a sense of the celebrity aspect of the US Open," Executive Producer and Senior Vice President Gordon Beck. "Anna will visit with us for a few days to have some fun as our roving entertainment reporter and we look forward to a fresh new character joining our team."
Read the rest of Kournikova Still Manages to Appear at US Open
Ethan Switch - Friday, August 22, 2003 - 23:20:33
From the stately finger amputating printers of Oxford University Press, the new second edition of the Oxford Dictionary of English has started the run and word is out that times are looking grim for the once favoured younger neighbour of the underscore. The hyphen.
As a commentator of sorts on the way English speakers use language, it's been noted that there has been a move from standard compounds into verb phrases in the overall usage. Research shows that while its use is only half of that ten years ago, it's still twice as common in language today.
Read the rest of Shifty Apostrophes and the Demise of the Hyphen
Jimmy Weasel - Friday, August 22, 2003 - 12:33:30
Rancho Relaxo: News just in that PRIMUS (with long absent drummer Herb Alexander) have clashed heads together again and recorded five brand sparkling new songs to release alongside an equally new DVD. The whole shebang is being released on October 7, bringing a smile to the faces of fans everywhere.
"I've wet my shorts; I'd never expected anything so grand. Wait 'til I call Grandma!" shrieked one fan, who scratched himself briefly and added "I was devastated when they broke up. Not that Claypool didn't throw us some quality goodies in that time; but I prefer the group as a whole."
Read the rest of Great glee returneth; for Animals Should Not Act Like People
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, August 20, 2003 - 19:46:25
With Ashton Kutcher in the arms of Demi Moore and Brittany Murphy kicked to the kerb, Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment have decided to stem the questions of the sanctity of marriage and the powerful force of quickie divorces with a newly-wed survey of 100 men and 100 women in conjunction with the UK release of the Murphy/Kutcher film, Just Married onto DVD and video.
The survey echoes the Just Married movie with questions on first arguments after getting married to sex on a wedding night (less than a third did not consummate on the first night) and whether or not it was with the aid of sex toys (7% for both men and women).
Read the rest of 'Just Married' Divorced from Survey
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, August 20, 2003 - 19:25:55
On recent news of a few stabbings and murders in a small suburb in Sydney's South West, a privately owned entity known at this stage as Community Safety First have started the door-to-door fear appeal.
Dressed in dark blue safety vests—much like those on building sites—stitched with large circular badges on the left breast, they've gone to homes in the nearby streets of the main strip in an attempt to talk with the community. Few residents have been at home on their initial call, and those that have are subject to an overwhelming abuse of either aftershave or perfume from the callers.
Read the rest of Fear and Worry Pushed Door-to-Door
Ethan Switch - Monday, August 18, 2003 - 19:49:04
In Oaxaca, Mexico, as they neared the end of their excavation season, archaeologists from Chicago's Field Museum discovered a 1500 year old tomb as they were exploring a residential complex.
It took the efforts of seven workers to move the huge stone door leading down into the subfloor tomb. What they found were the untouched relics of the ancient Zapotec capital of Monte Alban. At the time of the Maya, the Zapotec were one of the most important cultures.
Read the rest of Archaeologists Stage Preemptive Raid of Mexican Tomb
Jimmy Weasel - Monday, August 18, 2003 - 16:53:32
Cloned human embryos have been fused with rabbit eggs in an effort to find a new source of stem cells. The team of scientists from the Shanghai Medical University have already come under scrutiny for this "mad science" as one bystander remarked, yet this is a significant step in the search for embryonic stem cells.
At present, the stem cells are found in fertilized human embryos, which must be destroyed to make the harvest. Activists claim that this is a premature end to a potential human life; a cause for both uproar and debate over most stem cell research. Hui Zhen Sheng's work is unlikely to halt this debate, even though most of the science world seem to think that the new embryos won't develop much beyond the earliest stages of development.
Read the rest of The New Breed
Ethan Switch - Friday, August 15, 2003 - 22:45:38
Makers of the Steam Dream Cleaning machine have come under question following a re-releasing of one of their advertisements.
In the questioned commercial, an actress plays a housewife bogged down with having to clean the entire house using nothing more than hot water. Taking the Steam Dream Machine Cleaning device into the shower of the bathroom to further demonstrate the range of application of the appliance, she begins working on the grout between tiles of the shower. As she moves the machine higher a smeared brown patch is shown between the two taps.
Read the rest of Steam Dream Team Clean Mean Sheen
Ethan Switch - Friday, August 15, 2003 - 22:37:42
A few months ago, in the lead up to the final episode of UK drama Cold Feet, the station that had bought the rights, ATN-7, decided on giving away the essentiality of the final story by way of prime time commercials. Audience and viewer reaction was caustic and acidic to consider the least. Few wondered what the reasoning was behind the casual reveal of a major story line, but recent moves by the station have made the action pale in comparison and perhaps to the point of a skeletal haunt.
Despite knowing full well of the outcome and indeed the victim of the final episode of Cold Feet, viewers still flocked to the screen in a send off.
Read the rest of Channel Channels Overload of Death Threats
Ethan Switch - Wednesday, August 13, 2003 - 18:40:06
Speculation continues following yet another one of Lleyton Hewitt's early round knock outs earlier this week that Hewitt and Kim Clijsters share a symbiotic relationship. One that drains power and determination from one to feed the other. Like a hamster that eats its young.
While the pair did win their respective singles titles at Indian Wells earlier this year, Clijsters was ranked number three in the world while Hewitt was number one.
Read the rest of Clijsters is Hewitt is Cletus Kasady
Ethan Switch - Monday, August 11, 2003 - 19:12:07
High density residential areas invite one probable solution, the apartment block.
One after the other are lined up to conserve the precious space as the landfill outside the front overflows with dead bodies and bodies of people lying in wait for the hit to come along.
Read the rest of Chewing the Skies from Placards of Want
Ethan Switch - Thursday, August 7, 2003 - 18:30:34
Vanilla Coke was an experiment set out to test if the comforted theory that the beige of flavour country could not really be taken for anything more than essential to one-third of neopolitan ice cream.
Months have since passed from the initial launch and justly so, not as many people have wretched beyond their means. In other words, it's been deemed appropriately successful.
Read the rest of Pepsi Pounce on the Prefizzed Pops of Coca-Cola
Ethan Switch - Thursday, August 7, 2003 - 14:47:55
The Depression Alliance recently posted results of one of their commissioned surveys. Naturally it was a survey into of all things, Depression.
While it wasn't about the great period of time wherein bodies routinely fell out of the sky leaving slightly soiled suits, it does delve into the state of mind of the state of minds.
Read the rest of Cycle of Fear of Things That Were and Will
Jimmy Weasel - Thursday, August 7, 2003 - 09:40:09
Ebola today remains a serious threat to both people and animals. In the latest of a series of outbreaks earlier in 2003, 143 men and women in the Republic of Congo were infected and 128 failed to survive. Not terribly good statistics (if you're not a virus trying to survive in a cruel world).
A new development arising has now given hope to both man and beast. An adenovirus has been able to protect 8 monkeys from other monkeys that had Ebola forced upon them. The aim is to be able to form a "ring of protection" around an area of infection and reduce the spreading of this foul and terrible virus.
Read the rest of The monkeys are safe
Belvedere Jehosophat - Tuesday, August 5, 2003 - 23:46:06
Discovered just outside a bus stop in front of Banksia station was a ‘carefully’ discarded syringe and bong.
The story of the bong is an ages old tale; one lived and re-lived by every generation of youth. However, the story of the syringe, while also unfortunately too common a tale and one not nearly as benign as that surrounding the bong, warrants certain scrutiny.
Read the rest of Gallop Canter Gallop 8 8 Gallop
Ethan Switch - Tuesday, August 5, 2003 - 15:24:05
Got Milk? Breakfast pimpers Kellogg's don't think so.
Despite being a traditional staple of cereals, the juicy white liquid from the teats of countless udders appears to have missed the dive into a lot of Australian bowls. When presented with these possibly forged facts of Australian laziness the team at Kellogg's went into producing a series of television commercials. Some thought it was a joke but with a few months under its belt, the advertisements continue to grace the screens.
Read the rest of Chances Are You'd Love a Jew
Ethan Switch - Friday, August 1, 2003 - 17:13:23
Sensing an evaporation of the employment waters, recruitment shackle, Monster, have decided to bail on the Australian and New Zealand market.
The move comes in the same week that News Limited's CareerOne have been bombarding Australian television screens to announce their refocussing and realignment into a well of printed job advertisements of the offline online.
Read the rest of Mashed Monster Moves On
Ethan Switch - Friday, August 1, 2003 - 12:16:28
Nobody remembers who came second place.
The old axiom might have turned aubergine in a broadcast filling at the troughs. In this case, no body will see the body of Daniel McInnes, third place getter in the human menagerie of Australia's Big Brother 3. As has become customary for the housemates, screen time on a variety of shows follows. The reasons are best left to drilling holes in the backs of head to relieve hypertension.
Read the rest of O Brother Where Art Thou?
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