Ancient apercus from December 2002

Clowns claim cloning completed

Jimmy Weasel - Sunday, December 29, 2002 - 06:26:28

2002; a foul year by any standard. A year that saw as much, if not more lies, deceit and corruption as the horrible days of the previous.

Out of this mire creeps a claim by a religious order that they are the first to have cloned a human baby. The race has been on for a while now; undeterred by international bans on human cloning, and now fruition after a deadlocked and UN fails to decide yea or nay on the matter.

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They Call Them The Wide Eyed Ones

Ethan Switch - Friday, December 27, 2002 - 16:12:19

In the search for actual news items even the commercial programs and current affairs shows have a hard time doing actual news reporting. One such sheep to the slaughter is a program aptly titled, 'A Current Affair.'

Long since forgoing any real investigative and innovative journalism the producers have taken aboard more and more ideas from the general public. Though this may sound like an idiotic idea at first it isn't a new one. It's been happening all over the world, especially noticable on the changeover in editors in the print media. Ever read the line, "tell us what you think"?

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Feel The Heat on The Street

Ethan Switch - Tuesday, December 17, 2002 - 05:43:08

If two previous incidents lead to a third, thus conclusively constructing a conspiracy, the gay community of Australia should be on full alert to their safety.

Over on the weekend in Melbourne, a Harley Davidson dealership went up in flames. The estimated cost for the spectacular maneouvre so far nears the $4 Million mark if not surpasses it. The patrons of a nearby gay spa/sauna were forced to evacuate.

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Microchip Manufacturer Messily Masticated

Jimmy Weasel - Sunday, December 15, 2002 - 09:16:31

Germany; in what weird internet bylines are describing as "a real-life hannibal lecter", the bare facts are nothing short of savage and barbaric. Apparrantly, the Homme du jour answered a classified ad reading: "Wanted: young, well-built 18-30-year-old for slaughter".

Despite not fitting the age requirement, his curiosity was both piqued and riled, and thus, 42 year old Siemens employee responded to the ad only to meet a gourmet demise; parts of him digested, the rest sits in a freezer.

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Feulling the fossil sump-pumpers & Jerky-knee-syndrome

Jimmy Weasel - Friday, December 13, 2002 - 12:20:42

In the brighter days after wide publications of a "clean" hydrogen car, the papers are now riddled with diseased articles about petrol and how the consumer is being ripped off. Aspersions are being cast at those who "water down" the petrol with an ethanol solution and the manufacturers of bowsers just aren't going to honour warranties for bowsers damaged as a result of this practice. It seems anyting to overshadow the genesis of a newer, cleaner earth.

In news from abroad, "Dubya" (as the greater western press knows him) has not ruled out the use of nuclear weapons in his conquest to forever be etched into the history book as the man who stole both elections and lives. Not just in Iraq, but on any country who uses "weapons of mass destruction on the US or any of its allies". Looks like a bold move, but most people aren't in these parts of the world and it's as yet unknown whether or not these people care about it as much as sports or beers or whathaveyou. At any rate, the world is at a slow demise; salinity, war, destruction, grief, ennui, depravity and references to Miller.

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Hey Mister, You're On Fire Mister!

Ethan Switch - Thursday, December 5, 2002 - 15:53:08

Peak Hour on the Cityrail network is hectic at best. Yesterday in the sweltering city of Sydney, at approximately 1600hrs, an advertising blitz was carried out. Undercover agents infiltrated various train carriages at a time when the passengers were at their most helpless. In one instance a woman with her kids held crumpled and used burger wrappers from a global chain who constantly boast of the cattle they've slaughtered. This tactic is most reminiscent of the commercial in which a gaunt man—no doubt on a diet of fast food baked fresh with cardboard—holds a used wrapper next to a car's airconditioner. In a climate of heat and no air, it seemed like the burger chain was bringing to the mashed masses a scene from television land.

In the next, a man and his female friend, walk into another carriage with a pizza box. The aroma filled the car as it was stalled conveniently on the train tracks between Town Hall and Central stations for what seemed like 30 minutes. In collusion with this couple a man in the lower decks held a box of cola cans labelled with the competitor's whore master.

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